Police raided the popular bar Schmucky’s last Saturday, arresting nearly 200 bar-goers for being “overaged.”

“We have a major drinking problem at University of Wisconsin-Madison,” Fake police chief Roberto Boberto said. “There are too many upperclassmen who still think it’s cool to go to Schmucky’s.” Boberto shook his head in disgust. “This is a freshman bar. Where’s your dignity?”

Senior Brian McDonald said that he only accidentally attended Schmucky’s and that he was really trying to go to the respectable upperclassman bar, HH’s. Junior Joyce Reynolds said that she was only there with a younger cousin and would never actually go to Schmucky’s by herself.

Satire: Local student maximises productivity with ONE WEIRD TRICKEditor’s Note: This story is satirical. Local student Jack Ennis has recently begun a hot streak of productivity completely unlike Read…

“Nice try, McDonald,” Boberto said in disgust, tightening the cuffs around McDonald’s wrists. “HH’s is a mile and a half from here.” He spared a glance for Reynolds. “And you. Next time bring your cousin to an upperclassman bar.”

Schmucky’s owner Martha Schmucky blamed the influx of losers on last week’s horoscope, which directed all fire signs to go to Schmucky’s. Nearly nine out of ten of the alleged losers were born in March, August or December. Martha Schmucky also said in a statement Sunday morning that they would be retraining their bouncers to not recognize fake IDs.

“We deeply regret that so many of our patrons turned out to be losers,” Schmucky’s said in a statement. “We try our hardest here at Schmucky’s to be a nice, respectable, underage drinking establishment. It breaks our hearts to see so many local students throwing away their lives — and perfectly legal IDs — to drink here.”

Of the 143 patrons at Schmuck’s, only five were found to be under the age of 21, Boberto said.

Satire: Point-counterpoint: Should you brush your teeth?A Balanced Interview We here at The Badger Herald1 are big believers in giving both sides a fair shake — Read…

Freshman Lucy Rothschild said she was seriously considering transferring schools.

“I was so scared,” Rothschild said. “I thought everyone there was cool. But it turns out they were all losers.”

Local satire journalist Oscar Gnam contributed to this story.

The post Satire: 138 overage drinkers arrested for being total losers appeared first on The Badger Herald.

Local student Jack Ennis has recently begun a hot streak of productivity completely unlike anything ever seen in the local area. He has completed all of his reading, cleaning and — according to local statisticians — is projected to finish his midterm essay a massive four weeks early. Unable to find anything any better to do, our intrepid reporters caught up with this real man to find out his secret.

“Wait what, what the hell are you doing here, how did you get in,” said Jack when he found us waiting in his apartment to interview him.

After a brief misunderstanding Jack sat down to answer some questions for us. 

“There isn’t any real secret to it. I just wake up every morning visualizing how hard I’m going to work today, eat a healthy diet and my Aunt is in town so I really don’t want to seem rude when I avoid hanging out with her.”

Jack would explain to us that his Aunt had recently been diagnosed with Political Tourettes. A rare disease affecting primarily aunts and uncles in the Midwest, it involves an intermittent, involuntary disclosure of incredibly hot political takes when surrounded by anyone they vaguely know. 

Local women realizes she’s late for an imaginary meeting to avoid talking about politics

“She used to be really cool. I remember how she used to take me out for sushi on my birthday and buy my favorite books,” said Jack, revealing himself to be a massive nerd. “Now all she does is talk to me about Q and tells me that she’s a part of the resistance.”

Doctor Steve Puppington, head of Madison Hospital of our Holy Condemner’s Department of Psychology, spoke to the Badger Herald on the condition.

Dr. Steve reads a book, a whole lotta nerds are featured in this piece.

“While it primarily affects people as the age breaks their hope and creates different political beliefs, it can also be found in young people. If you have a friend that continuously references Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet’s violent crackdown on leftists, it’s best to assume he has the syndrome. While we have to remember that even though the condition is not their fault, it is their responsibility to recognize the consequences and seek treatment.”

Jack tells us that even though he feels bad about his avoidance, he will not regret it. If a loved one suffers from political tourettes, don’t be afraid to deafen yourself with fireworks or an airhorn. 

The post Satire: Local student maximises productivity with ONE WEIRD TRICK appeared first on The Badger Herald.

We here at The Badger Herald¹ are big believers in giving both sides a fair shake — understanding that both sides have valid points and deserve representation.

Brushing your teeth is many things — a good way to avoid bad breath, a good way to avoid bad breath from drinking, a good way to avoid bad breath from smoking and possibly a conspiracy pushed by the mainstream media. In the next few passages, both University of Wisconsin health professor Larry Lurton and loud man on State Street Jay “Jeff” Bridges will present to you two sides of a hot button issue facing this American life today.

Gentlemen, why are we told to brush our teeth?

Professor Lurton: Well, the plaque that builds up on your teeth when you eat is a very good home for bacteria. Bacteria can both create bad odors and tooth decay. There is literally no downside to it.

Jay Bridges: First things first — your teeth are not just perfectly designed for chewing food, they are also perfectly designed for government identification. 

I have personally inspected the grooves on many of my friends’ teeth while allowing myself into their personal space, and each one is breathtakingly unique. God naturally created plaque buildup to cover up these grooves, as not only is the sight of a naked tooth completely offensive, but equally offensive is any form of personal identification outside of shouting your full name at someone.

Jay I think you make a very interesting point bringing up the religious angle of this issue, do you have anything to say about that, professor? Is there any sort of religious reason we should brush our teeth?

Professor Lurton: While most large religions do not mention anything about brushing your teeth, they generally encourage us to be healthy in mind and body. Brushing your teeth has obvious physical and mental benefits that this feels like a no brainer.

Jay: That’s a fallacy, actually. Many brushels cite Corinthians 6:19 when making this tired argument.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you.”

This is actually a mistranslation. The actual translation is:

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy — Spit — within you.”

It is well known that a human only has so much spit within it. If you run out you will dry out and mummify — this is made even worse by the fact that mummies don’t get into American heaven. Brushing your teeth requires your body to use more spit, drawing many young Americans irreparably toward this fate.

Very interesting. I really think we’re setting an example for both sides, how to have a civil conversation on these real issues. Gentlemen, why don’t we take a few seconds to pat ourselves on the back.

Anyways, what do you think your favorite celebrity would say about toothbrushing?

Professor Lurton: Frankly I think that celebrity is a part of capitalism. Celebrities are merely faces and products bought and sold in a for-profit industry without any inspection of the real person. Which is why I think Che Guevara brushed his teeth — he knew that “la revolución” needed healthy soldiers.

Jay: Kid Rock has no need for good breath when he’s got an honest heart.

¹ Jeremiah Frodl does not represent the Badger Herald’s opinions. He stumbled in one morning on a Wendy’s binge and we have not been able to get rid of him with force or shame.

The post Satire: Point-counterpoint: Should you brush your teeth? appeared first on The Badger Herald.

It seemed like just another steamy summer day on Lake Mendota. Then there were the screams. University of Wisconsin junior Adam Longstrider put his hands to his head at the painful recollection of the event. Then remembered he had no hands. Then he remembered that, in fact, he had no arms.

“The doctors said it was the worse case of flesh-eating bacteria they had ever seen,” Longstider sobbed. “Thirty seconds I floundered in Lake Mendota. Thirty pounds of flesh the bacteria took from me.”

He was lucky. Witnesses on the scene reported seven have died from rare diseases contacted from the dock collapse so far.

Madison’s Lake Mendota has long been known as a cesspool of disease, but this was bad, even for Mendota, UW Limnologist Breck Harper said.

“It’s common to see three hundred to two thousand people come down with disease from swimming in Lake Mendota,” Harper said. “But usually it’s with the run-of-the-mill diseases. Clamydia. Mono. Lymes. Things like that.”

Harper cited several factors for the increased lethalness of Lake Mendota: Climate change. Fertilizer. And ducks.

The latest science shows a clear connection between the amount of ducks that eat human food and the number of deaths from flesh-eating bacteria, Harper said. He attributed the recent uptick in Mendota’s victims to the mama ducks that roam UW’s famed terrace.

“Yes the mama ducks are cute, especially when they come up to you and quack,” Harper said, watching one of the mama ducks waddle by. Then his face darkened. “But the problem is, they’re nasty little disease reservoirs.” He seized the nearby mama-duck’s neck with an animalistic speed and before this reporter could stop him, snapped it.

“It’s a hard world we live in,” Harper said defensively. He shoved the duck into this reporters face. “It was my flesh or this mama duck. I chose my flesh.”

UW Chancellor Moons has ordered an immediate moratorium on swimming in Lake Mendota until something can be done about the rare diseases. A service for the lives lost from the dock collapse will be held at the Terrace this Friday.

Longstrider begged others to heed his lesson.

“Don’t go in Mendota,” He said. “Not if you value your life.”

The post Satire: Rare disease claims seven lives after Memorial Union dock collapse appeared first on The Badger Herald.

Pat yourself on the back

Good work champ

You are the future, do not forget that. Congratulations on taking your first step toward changing the world — and failing that, at least getting a job that will ensure you can pay off a credit card. Take a moment to remind yourself how far you’ve come. Once you’ve measured how far you’ve came, take a moment to

Be thankful to your parents

Augustus Caesar once said, “Gee, it sure is nice to have the divinely self-proclaimed Emperor as a father figure.” While only some of us can brag about having an adoptive family that directly gained wealth from imperial expansion, most of us are here because of the hard blue-to-white collar crime of our parents. A thankful mindset toward their labor can inspire you to

Work hard

This is exactly what it looks like

One of the things that will move you fastest towards the right academic track is an ancient Mesopotamian concept known as hard work (phonetically: h-ahr-d w-uhr-k). This philosophical idea essentially believes ritualistic recitation of sacred texts and long sessions of meditation on the ideas within lead to higher level of knowledge and understanding. When applied to math and science however, I have found this philosophy to be of mixed effectiveness. In this case I have found it best to

Set low expectations

George W. Bush, everyone’s favorite president, once said, “I like to tell the C students, you too can be president.”

A very popular man

Low expectations can anchor you firmly in the gray, depressing realities of reality and leave you coldly comfortable with any tests you fail. Why does failure matter when you — probably — have another test in another class? A firm set of loose expectations leaves you better prepared for the worst, especially when you haven’t prepared at all. Even if low grades come from the next test, I’ve found it easiest to

Creatively use money and influence

If you have enough of your parent’s money to burn, I’ve got the hottest tip on campus for you. Leon Saddler Redfield is a UW professor who teaches in Michael Tyson Statistics Hall at UW. Given his relatively low status as a professor — and what I’ve seen of his apartment while following him home — he can’t be earning more than 30K a year. Given this and his relatively introverted nature, it would be easy to bribe him away and steal his identity. Once this is done, you have the influence to change your grade in his specific classes. It’s a bit of a one time thing and you would be stealing my emergency free A in a STEM class, but I’m here to give you the tips no one else would. This is really nice of me because

It’s everyone for themselves

Trust absolutely no one, every idea you have is probably up for sale on the deep web. At one point I suggested to my lab group that we should break up our work into four equal parts, ensuring equal workload. Imagine my surprise and disappointment when I saw another lab group creating and implementing the exact same system I had suggested. Though I loudly complained in lab to my TA, nothing was done about the flagrant stealing. This is why I think it’s best to

Cheat

Another very popular man

John F Kennedy once said, “I’ve cheated death in the Pacific, I’ve cheated the electoral system in Illinois, I’ve even cheated on sobriety tests in the Oval Office. Today for the sake of America, I will cheat on this test here and on my wife in the bathroom later.” According to a poorly formatted list of greatest presidents my uncle shared on Facebook, Kennedy is the ninth best president we’ve ever had. Checkmate hard workers. Now, the best way to cheat is to

Surrender to your new AI overlords

I was going to generate my last 100 words with ChatGPT to demonstrate to you the effectiveness of ChatGPT but I don’t want to let down the tens of fans committed to the integrity of The Badger Herald’s banter section.

At the end of the day, if you got anything at all from this article, remember these three things as you begin or continue your college journey. Remain indoors, trust no one and doing anything will make it worse. Get off my lawn.

The post Hot tips, tricks to hit the ground running this school year appeared first on The Badger Herald.

Resume Tips

Tip One

List your personal information at the top of your resume, including your social security number, credit card information (front and back) and a picture of your passport. This will expedite your hiring process and make you a very attractive candidate for any position.

With this information, your soon-to-be employer can place money into your bank account straight away. Sometimes they’ll accidentally remove money, but never fear — they will certainly pay you back.

In fact, with this tip, we would specifically encourage you to send application materials to sexperts@badgerherald.com for a top-secret, potentially high-paying position.

Best April Fool’s pranks to use next year or all year longApril Fool’s Day is long gone, but the pranks don’t have to end just because it’s later in the year. Read…

Tip Two

When it comes to discussing your accomplishments, you want hiring managers to know more about you personally than what you’ve done in the past.

When listing your skills, list personal skills such as “funny,” “hot” and “genius.” Under awards, feel free to make them up — not like your employer would check. “First Place Head Award at BJ World Cup” is a great one to add on at the end.

Cover Letter Tips

Tip One

This is where your personality can really shine through. You want to work for a modern, accepting workplace, right? Swearing in your cover letter will actually substantially improve your chances of getting hired.

People who swear are known to be funnier, and that is the number one quality employers are looking for. You can even tell them to fuck off if they don’t hire you — “I appreciate your time and consideration — if you decide against me, you can fuck off tho.”

Tip Two

When describing your previous experiences, make sure to drag all your past employers so your potential new employer will know how to improve their own workplace ahead of your arrival.

If your past boss was an absolute asshat, say so! This will encourage your new boss to be a non-asshat.

Say goodbye to letter ‘W’W. A letter of paramount importance to Badgers. It defines our way of life. You pose for a photo, and Read…

Tip Three

Write your cover letter drunk. Your true personality will shine through, misspellings and all. If you spell things wrong, it’s just relatable.

In fact, acknowledging that you’re drunk in your cover letter is potentially the best tip on this list — who doesn’t want a new coworker they know they can get down with?

Interview Tips

Tip One

This is the most important part of the hiring process. If you’re able to successfully follow all the other tips, you’re bound to make it to this step. Who wouldn’t want to meet you?

If you want to break the mold and stand out to your interviewer, bring yourself and them a shooter. Our recommendation is Fireball or Tito’s to show some class.

A shooter will get you both off on the right foot and will most certainly increase your odds of getting hired. Just be sure to emphasize that you will continue to drink on the job if you’re planning on it!

Tip Two

Every question you’re asked should take you at least 10 minutes to answer. If you have short answers, you’re most certainly doing it wrong.

Find a way to ramble confidently, because confidence and long-winded answers are key. It exhibits your ability to make things up on the spot and to hold a good conversation at networking events.

Tip Three

If they ask you your biggest weakness, tell them it’s interviews. They’ll laugh, but they’ll also know that it’s true — you probably have no other weaknesses and you deserve the job.

Losing sleep? Here are four signs you are trying too hard in schoolDo you feel overwhelmed by the crippling pressure to succeed in life? Do you take that pressure and pour all Read…

Tip Four

Save all your best conversation for during the interview — if they attempt to make small talk ahead of time, try your best to not respond. You wouldn’t want to leak any information before everyone is present or before it could’ve been used to respond to a question.

Tip Five

The last tip is to be yourself. Say everything that comes to mind — whether you’re nervous, have no relevant experience or just crapped your pants, make sure your potential employer knows. 

If you follow all these tips, you should have a job before graduation! If not, feel free to apply to your favorite fast food restaurant or grocery store — you can’t beat the discount, tbh.

Good luck getting hired!!!

The post Get the job: Our top tips for getting hired after graduation appeared first on The Badger Herald.

If you lost your virginity in the Aries months of the year, your first time was competitive, impatient and high energy. You made sweet, sweet love with an athlete and both of you got super into proving who could flex better while on top. Strength and endurance became metrics during sex, so you both got super competitive in proving which positions you had enough core strength for and how long you could last in each one. 

By the end of the experience, both of you got super impatient and bored with everything. The night ended with 0 orgasms, an in depth investigation of all the trinkets in your partner’s room and two takeout orders from Taco Bell.

Leo 

Leo the lion! Leo szn is all about those aggressive, protective, loyal and ambitious moves. As a person who lost their virginity in Leo szn, you had a partner who had a big heart and loved drama. I’m saying past tense not because they’re dead but because you’re no longer with them #tea. 

As a Leo virgin, you are comfortable being the center of attention but also have a generous side to you. This manifested as a failed 69 attempt for your first time. Strong work guys — it takes a confident soul to try that on your first go, and you didn’t disappoint. 

Sagittarius

Sagittarius sex is honest, intellectual and optimistic. This means for your first time you and your partner came at the whole thing with books. You came with a list of facts of how and why losing your virginity can suck — your partner came with facts about contraception, lube and a full sociological history on the O-gap. 

You both made a list of potential sex positions you researched and found interesting. By the time you actually had sex, both of your minds were too busy thinking about what to do next it was impossible to orgasm. Otherwise the sex was insane. Thank God for Wikipedia. 

Taurus 

Taurus virgins had a very stick-in-the-mud first time. In general, the sex had a very stubborn vibe. Every time one person was finally wet, the other one went flaccid — every time one person finally got hard, the other person had to delay the sex for some reason. At one point you lost the condom on the bed, so you had to turn the lights on and try to find it. At another point, your partner’s mom called and it took a lot of convincing not to answer it. 

Taurus season is spring allergy season, so to make matters worse, you also sneezed and coughed several times throughout the day, which put a slight damper on the mood. And yeah, you heard me, this was DAY sex. The sun was out, you two were back from school, parents still at work — this was the one and only chance you two had to lose your virginity. 

Taurus virgins, you and your partner’s hard-headed, sensual personalities were determined to make this the best sex ever. Was it? No. But A+ for effort.

Virgo 

Virgo virgins, you are a double virgin. This means you lost your virginity twice. This means you are bisexual. Virgos are introverted, industrious, methodical and humble earth signs. You are industrious in bed (always go for the crowd pleasing moves) and humble (always decline the appreciation when your partner finishes). 

If you lost your virginity in the Virgo months of the year, that means your partner really paid attention to what you needed physically. Since you’re an introvert, you either asked your partner to leave right after you had sex, or you pulled an Irish goodbye in the middle of the night. Sometimes you gotta have that solo cool down time, and you Virgos definitely feel that.

Capricorn 

Capricorn virgins, how does it feel to know you chose to lose it in the dead of winter? Maybe you lost it after Christmas Eve dinner, maybe you lost it to your high school crush at a New Year’s party. Either way, you both stayed the night because leaving meant you had to go outside in -20º weather (yes, in this situation you lost your virginity in the upper midwest). 

Capricorn sex is the most practical, responsible sex. You both had been in relationships before and knew the ins and outs of foreplay. Both came prepared with contraception, water and chapstick. The consent conversation began before sex started and sounded like a business conference. 

The whole thing was pragmatic as fuck, but it’s valid you spent so much time on the logistics because sex can be confusing! While it might have been cold outside on that fateful night you lost your virginity, it was certainly hot under the covers

Gemini  

If you lost your virginity in the Gemini months, not only did you talk the entire time throughout sex, but you were quite two-faced. 

Being two-faced isn’t a bad thing, it means you went to bed with makeup on and woke up without makeup — you called your partner three different names because you kept forgetting — you were super hype and supportive at first but lost the optimism halfway through penetration. It’s ok to switch around! That’s what Geminis are all about anyway. 

Libra

Libra is one of the three air signs. Since this is a very easy, breezy, “live and let live” zodiac, you and your partner had sex on a plane for your first time. Both of you had no idea how to coordinate going into the bathroom one right after the other, and both of you cared a lot about what the flight attendants thought about you afterward. 

But hey, Libra season is all about being friendly and extroverted, so why not have sex in a public place? You gave polite nods and smiles to everyone in the aisles on your way back from the bathroom, fully knowing the entire cabin heard your moaning and questioning of “is this the right spot?” It was a good, social, diplomatic time and you felt proud of yourself afterward for being so okay in public. Congratulations Libras, you’re a gold star member of the mile high club. 

Aquarius 

If you’re an Aquarius virgin, you had a unique, artistic and impulsive first time. You had sex with a painter you just met and it lasted 10 seconds. Orange paint did get on your $30 lingerie, but instead of letting that bug you, you made it into an art piece and hung it on your wall as alternative symbolism of modern hookup culture.

Aquarius sex, just like Aquarius personalities, are known to be optimistic and self-reliant. You sure showed that in the bedroom because you thought the sex would be better than it was and had to rely on yourself to finish after it was done (you masturbated when your partner fell asleep). 

Cancer 

Little Cancers, our emotional little crabs! Unfortunately if you are a Cancer virgin that means you got crabs after your first time It’s okay if you didn’t know that until now — herpes isn’t that big of a deal. Cancers are known to be emotional, nurturing and intuitive. 

If you’re a Cancer virgin, you met your partner at sea and had a magical night on some sort of boat. Your first time having sex together was emotional and both of you cried during and after sex. And so true that is so healthy of you guys.

Scorpio

If your first time was in Scorpio season, this was the most toxic sex of all time. You’re in the middle of fall, it’s football season, the person you did it with was, like, weirdly secretive about everything, and both of you tried to control the situation at the same time. Scorpio virgin sex is hot because both parties are determined to make it last long and are extremely ambitious in fulfilling that goal. 

This sex probably happened at a party in a very masculine environment  —it started on the couch but then moved to the floor, and there was complete and utter silence afterward. Till this day, you have not talked to that original partner and regularly try to keep your virginity story a secret with friends. 

Pisces 

Pisces are known to be emotional, imaginative and excessively romantic. If you lost your virginity in Pisces territory, your partner was a few years older than you, and the whole thing was very planned. Your partner put rose petals on the bed and lit candles everywhere — too bad that didn’t help the sex be better. 

You wanted to do way cooler positions you’ve fantasized before in your head, but the person was just too stiff. It’s alright, it was super romantic and you got to tell everyone afterward that you lost it to a mature older person which is such a cool thing to say. 

The post Virgin zodiacs: How you lost your virginity based on the date you lost it appeared first on The Badger Herald.

We will dissect the strengths and weaknesses of both in this point-counterpoint article.

Point: Folding is the only civilized way to go

Folding is the nice, neat way to go. When you’re done committing the act, you want to forget about it and move on. You don’t need any greater shame while you are perched on the porcelain throne. Folding reminds you that you are human. It reminds you that you have control over your toilet time and will go through a carefully planned process to ensure the greatest cleanliness possible. We aren’t squatting in the woods and using a leaf.

We are humans, not sasquatches.

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Counterpoint: Scrunching is just more fun

When you drop it like it’s hot, it doesn’t have to be filled with shame and regret. Some, in fact many, actually enjoy their time on the john. If you’re lame, you’ll just grab a couple of squares and neatly fold it like the square you are. But that’s just the same boring fold every time, reminding you of the mundane task at hand. One way to make the whole ordeal more fun is to spice up your wiping time. Each scrunch represents a new opportunity for Downy origami. Each experience is unique, like a snowflake. The more creative you get, the more fun it is. Just think of the good ol’ days of making fortune tellers in elementary school.

Point: Scrunching saves time

Pooping is nobody’s favorite act, and some just want to get in, get it over with, and get out. The scrunch is the only toilet paper method to ensure the quickest bathroom time possible. Who has time to sit on the toilet longer than needed? Folding just simply wastes your time. While the folders of the world are grabbing and carefully folding their paper, the scrunchers of the world get out of the bathroom, and probably save years of their lives.

All that time spent folding could be better spent trading dogecoin or creating some toilet paper-themed NFT and getting rich.

Counterpoint: Maximum cleanliness > time

Sure, the barbaric scrunchers of the world may save a second here and there, but in the end, folding is the best way to maximize surface area and ensure maximum cleanliness. That’s worth a couple of seconds. Besides, some of the most skilled folders establish a routine and can grab and fold with their eyes closed in a matter of milliseconds. Plus, the folders can gain those seconds back by simply not washing their hands.

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Point: Folding conserves material

Buying toilet paper is something we all have to do. Think back to the great tp shortage of 2020. Everybody needs to use the stuff so you may as well make every square count. Folding is an efficient, conservative method of use, allowing for maximum wipe per square. The scrunchers out there are wasting squares like the oxygen they breathe. Nobody should be using more than they need.

Counterpoint: Who cares?

Your time in the restroom is sacred. It belongs to you and no one else but you. So if you want to go around saving your squares, wasting your time with a neat little fold, fine by me. But don’t bark at me for trying to entertain myself with a couple of extra squares so I can shave seconds off my time. Don’t go around being a hater, let everybody wipe however they want to wipe. And scrunching just ain’t that barbaric, it’s literally just a chaotic fold.

Well, there you have it, folks. The strongest arguments from all sides of the debate as this reporter sees it. I hope this discussion taught you a thing or two about compassion and empathy. If you think scrunchers are savages and don’t deserve respect, try a scrunch here and there, walk a mile in their shoes and take a poop on their toilet. And same goes for the scrunchers that think folders are snooty time wasters, try a fold here and there. See how clean it makes you feel. I’m shocked if you made it this far, but the morale of the story: there is none. Just don’t be a hater about a bodily function we all go through.

The post Point-counterpoint: Crumple or fold appeared first on The Badger Herald.

There’s no such thing as taking a prank too far, and it’s time to up your prank game. Check out the pranks we came up with for you, and be sure to try them out!

For your partner

Pranking your partner can be controversial — how can you establish trust when you’re constantly joking around, telling lies and being mean? The truth is, the trust probably wasn’t there to begin with. Real trust is established by knowing you can get through the worst of pranks — together. <3

• Cheat on them (as a JOKE)

We’re starting off hot and heavy with this one, folks. While you might be all like, “no, I would never cheat on my partner,” we know. We wouldn’t do that either. But if it’s a prank, it doesn’t count. If you don’t mean it, it doesn’t count as cheating — it’s not what it looks like, amirite?

So, for this prank, muster up your courage and take your partner and one of your friends out this Saturday night. Make sure you both have a couple drinks before you excuse yourself to the “bathroom.” Here’s where the fun begins.

Find someone who looks exactly like your partner (maybe a little hotter if you think you can pull them). Tell them your doctor called, and it’s serious. You need a kiss from the hottest person in the bar now or you’ll die.

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That line is guaranteed to get you a smooch, trust me. This is where your friend comes in — they HAVE to be filming if your partner isn’t watching you. Then, they go up to show your partner the video.

Of course, your partner will be confused and disgruntled. After playing around for awhile — at this point, you can riff as you see fit — tell them it was a prank! If you feel like they won’t believe you (ugh), then film a clip beforehand saying you’re planning on pranking them.

Everything will go right back to how it was in your relationship before, but stronger. The trust between you and your partner will improve because they will know you would never actually cheat on them.

• Break up with them for the week before but reveal it was all a joke on April 1 (after telling them all their flaws and insulting them)

If cheating isn’t your style, we guess we can understand that. But then you HAVE to try this prank. If you think you and your partner will make it to next year (sorry if we just made anyone rethink their entire relationship, LOL), make sure to plan ahead for April Fool’s Day. 

One week before April 1 (March 25), sit your partner down and break up with them. Tell them everything you would say if you were actually breaking up with them (how you always hated their weird shaving pattern for their pubes, how stupid all their friends are and that you don’t actually like their laugh). 

While the next week might be hard, they will take the time to realize how much they need you in their life. So, when April 1 rolls around, celebrate and text them that the whole thing was a prank! They (and maybe you) will be so happy.

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For your friends

Now, friends are meant to be pranked. They are not for emotional support, they are not for companionship — NO. So, take advantage of your friendships and really prank them this year.

• Rope their significant other into cheating with you for a dual prank

Alright, so you want to kill two birds with one stone. We completely understand why you’re too lazy to do two pranks instead of one. So, let’s get started with the instructions.

Invite your friend and their partner on a double date. If you don’t have a partner, you can probably pull this off with just your friend and their boo.

Before you all show up, text your friend’s partner and let them know your idea. They’ll surely agree with your plan!

When your friend and significant other are both upset, it will be so much bigger when you tell them it’s a prank! And, since you’re in a group, it’ll be a great inside joke for a long time to come.

• Roofie them and form a Wolf Pack

You might think this is too far. But, you’re wrong. This one takes a lot of planning, but it will create the best prank of them all.

Wait for your friend to get married. Make sure you’re one of the groomsmen because they have to make you one of the groomsmen. Now, the bachelor party has to be happening in Vegas at Caesars Palace — no exceptions.

On your way into Sin City, stop and buy some Jägermeister and try to get some ecstasy. But, oops! The dealer gave you roofies (but you don’t know they’re roofies).

So, slip the “ecstacy” into some shots of Jägermeister and have everyone take them on the hotel roof after reciting a wonderful, heartfelt speech about you being a lone wolf but your friends making you feel like you’re in their wolf pack.

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The friend who’s getting married has to get locked out onto the roof as you make your way back to your hotel room.

When you wake up in the morning, none of you will remember a thing — including where your friend is on the roof! All you know is there’s a baby in your hotel room, along with Mike Tyson’s tiger, and you owe Leslie Chow 80 grand.

Anyway, you’ll pay him back and make sure everything is sorted out as a team. Finally, you’ll put the pieces together and find your friend on the roof just hours away from his wedding!

This will be such a fun story to tell everyone in the future, and you and your Wolf Pack will be bonded for life afterward.

So, there you have it. These are for sure the best pranks to pull on your friends and partner. Enjoy — we know they will! 

Disclaimer: Do not participate in illegal activities such as taking drugs. Do not cheat on your partner (you piece of shit.)

The post Best April Fool’s pranks to use next year or all year long appeared first on The Badger Herald.

Merriam-Webster dictionary, the governing body of the English language, recently announced that the letter W is redundant and is no longer needed in the English language. The former letter is now being replaced by a double U — literally spelled out UU, yes like the bar.

“UUe just don’t see any good use for the letter anymore. If anything it just makes our language more confusing,“ Merriam UUebster III said.

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So you may be asking yourself, houu does this affect me? UUell, the ansuuer is simple, it hardly does. Besides changing your email to ending in @uuisc.edu and the occasional slip up on an essay, it uuill just be a minor nuisance for a uuhile then you’ll completely forget about it — kind of like Pluto. 

Still, it doesn’t affect your conversational English uuhat so ever — every uuord uuill still use the same pronunciation. Though, after uuriting half an article on the subject, this reporter is actually finding the change a lot more annoying than he originally anticipated. It seems many more uuords use the letter uu than one uuould think. 

Of course, University of UUisconsin uuill have to go through some major branding changes. They are already uuorking on a neuu logo uuhich omits the former letter and introduces the double U, yet they are encountering trademark issues uuith The Double U bar.

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In fact the uuhole state of UUisconsin, along uuith UUyoming and UUashington and many other states are outraged by the dictionary’s decision, uuhich uuill nouu require millions of taxpayer dollars to create neuu branding and signage across the nation. States have petitioned President Joe Biden himself, figuring he uuould stand up for the old English uuhich began uuhen he uuas a child, but he simply has no clue uuhat is going on.

Besides the outrage, Merriam UUebster is adamant that the change is for the better. And the letter itself is actually happy to bouu out of the alphabet.

“Im retiring. If they dont uuant me I dont uuant them. English is a stupid language anyuuays. Maybe I’ll try to become a number. The roman numerals never let me in — those gatekeeping snobs. Maybe they could use some help nouu,” W said.

The post Say goodbye to letter ‘W’ appeared first on The Badger Herald.