Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Local student Jack Ennis has recently begun a hot streak of productivity completely unlike anything ever seen in the local area. He has completed all of his reading, cleaning and — according to local statisticians — is projected to finish his midterm essay a massive four weeks early. Unable to find anything any better to do, our intrepid reporters caught up with this real man to find out his secret.

“Wait what, what the hell are you doing here, how did you get in,” said Jack when he found us waiting in his apartment to interview him.

After a brief misunderstanding Jack sat down to answer some questions for us. 

“There isn’t any real secret to it. I just wake up every morning visualizing how hard I’m going to work today, eat a healthy diet and my Aunt is in town so I really don’t want to seem rude when I avoid hanging out with her.”

Jack would explain to us that his Aunt had recently been diagnosed with Political Tourettes. A rare disease affecting primarily aunts and uncles in the Midwest, it involves an intermittent, involuntary disclosure of incredibly hot political takes when surrounded by anyone they vaguely know. 

Local women realizes she’s late for an imaginary meeting to avoid talking about politics

“She used to be really cool. I remember how she used to take me out for sushi on my birthday and buy my favorite books,” said Jack, revealing himself to be a massive nerd. “Now all she does is talk to me about Q and tells me that she’s a part of the resistance.”

Doctor Steve Puppington, head of Madison Hospital of our Holy Condemner’s Department of Psychology, spoke to the Badger Herald on the condition.

Dr. Steve reads a book, a whole lotta nerds are featured in this piece.

“While it primarily affects people as the age breaks their hope and creates different political beliefs, it can also be found in young people. If you have a friend that continuously references Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet’s violent crackdown on leftists, it’s best to assume he has the syndrome. While we have to remember that even though the condition is not their fault, it is their responsibility to recognize the consequences and seek treatment.”

Jack tells us that even though he feels bad about his avoidance, he will not regret it. If a loved one suffers from political tourettes, don’t be afraid to deafen yourself with fireworks or an airhorn.