Graduation is looming, and so is the pressure to get a job. If you’re struggling to get a job ASAP as possible, here are some tips for your resumes, cover letters and interviews.

Resume Tips

Tip One

List your personal information at the top of your resume, including your social security number, credit card information (front and back) and a picture of your passport. This will expedite your hiring process and make you a very attractive candidate for any position.

With this information, your soon-to-be employer can place money into your bank account straight away. Sometimes they’ll accidentally remove money, but never fear — they will certainly pay you back.

In fact, with this tip, we would specifically encourage you to send application materials to [email protected] for a top-secret, potentially high-paying position.

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Tip Two

When it comes to discussing your accomplishments, you want hiring managers to know more about you personally than what you’ve done in the past.

When listing your skills, list personal skills such as “funny,” “hot” and “genius.” Under awards, feel free to make them up — not like your employer would check. “First Place Head Award at BJ World Cup” is a great one to add on at the end.

Cover Letter Tips

Tip One

This is where your personality can really shine through. You want to work for a modern, accepting workplace, right? Swearing in your cover letter will actually substantially improve your chances of getting hired.

People who swear are known to be funnier, and that is the number one quality employers are looking for. You can even tell them to fuck off if they don’t hire you — “I appreciate your time and consideration — if you decide against me, you can fuck off tho.”

Tip Two

When describing your previous experiences, make sure to drag all your past employers so your potential new employer will know how to improve their own workplace ahead of your arrival.

If your past boss was an absolute asshat, say so! This will encourage your new boss to be a non-asshat.

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Tip Three

Write your cover letter drunk. Your true personality will shine through, misspellings and all. If you spell things wrong, it’s just relatable.

In fact, acknowledging that you’re drunk in your cover letter is potentially the best tip on this list — who doesn’t want a new coworker they know they can get down with?

Interview Tips

Tip One

This is the most important part of the hiring process. If you’re able to successfully follow all the other tips, you’re bound to make it to this step. Who wouldn’t want to meet you?

If you want to break the mold and stand out to your interviewer, bring yourself and them a shooter. Our recommendation is Fireball or Tito’s to show some class.

A shooter will get you both off on the right foot and will most certainly increase your odds of getting hired. Just be sure to emphasize that you will continue to drink on the job if you’re planning on it!

Tip Two

Every question you’re asked should take you at least 10 minutes to answer. If you have short answers, you’re most certainly doing it wrong.

Find a way to ramble confidently, because confidence and long-winded answers are key. It exhibits your ability to make things up on the spot and to hold a good conversation at networking events.

Tip Three

If they ask you your biggest weakness, tell them it’s interviews. They’ll laugh, but they’ll also know that it’s true — you probably have no other weaknesses and you deserve the job.

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Tip Four

Save all your best conversation for during the interview — if they attempt to make small talk ahead of time, try your best to not respond. You wouldn’t want to leak any information before everyone is present or before it could’ve been used to respond to a question.

Tip Five

The last tip is to be yourself. Say everything that comes to mind — whether you’re nervous, have no relevant experience or just crapped your pants, make sure your potential employer knows. 

If you follow all these tips, you should have a job before graduation! If not, feel free to apply to your favorite fast food restaurant or grocery store — you can’t beat the discount, tbh.

Good luck getting hired!!!